I've been scolded that my blog has been neglected, so I am back. But in my defense it's been a bit of a crazy time.
It's amazing to me, that even without a job, or school, or the pressures of taking care of the farm, that my days still seem overfull. I'm sure that is a major time-management deficiency on my part.
Anyway, the next adventure is looming. Two weeks ago, Mr. Wonderful surprised me with a lovely, sparkly adornement for my left-hand ring-finger. My initial reaction, as he knelt upon one knee, shaking like a leaf in a hurricane, holding the black box up was a very loud, "HOLY SHIT!"
I know, I'm such a keeper.
Of course, I said yes. And since that moment, all I can say is the train has left the station. And it's a supersonic.
The past two weeks have been a wonderful blur. I don't recall ever feeling so lucky and loved. His parents are absolutely amazing and they have welcomed me into their family with such genuine affection they made my emotionally-defensive-grinch-like heart melt.
We've even survived the meeting of families without drama (or bloodshed).
I am truly living in fantasy land and I feel like a princess.
I've even found the perfect horse to free lease! What could be better?
The only thing holding me back is an archaic Protestant ethic that lurks in the back of my conscience saying, "yes, it is all wonderful, but did you earn it?"
How does one earn or deserve someting like this?
I don't know.
I sound like I am almost bitching about my good fortune. I am not. I just doubt my worthiness. That is the root of my internal struggle, created from a murky soup of personal baggage, family issues, and insecurities. It comes and goes. I guess all I can do is keep trying to do the best I can, keep enjoying every wonderful day, and strive to find a mental place where I can take joy in this fantastic reality.
There is plenty to keep me occupied: a wedding to plan, things to write, ponies to ride, barn chores, dogs, cats, snakes, fish, figuring out how to type with fake nails, using that coupon for the personal trainer, yoga (after all, there is a roll of blubber around my middle that needs to go before I try on dresses!), job hunting, more writing, tent people to talk to, bands to investigate, colors to choose, guest lists to write, removing the horrid color from my toenails without ruining the fake nails(how do people function with them?), dealing with the insurance company- still, and the pressure to think up something witty to say for the chosen few who might read this blog.
Most importantly, I intend to trash the angst and get on the train and enjoy the ride.